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Grief: Abandonment and Anger

Grief: Abandonment and Anger

The title of this post seems a little dramatic but, in reality, doesn’t grief feel like a crashing set of waves of internal drama?

No matter how peaceful and happy you tend to be, when loss hits you, it hits you like a million pounds. Knocking you off your balance!

My experience has been just that: a polar opposite of my mentality and my spirit.

The loss of a mother only a few years ago is something I’m still learning to lick my wounds from when, what appeared to be, out of nowhere my dearest and may I say, kindred spirit got hit with cancer – stage 4, and lost.

Her genuine spirit and positivity was infectious and, throughout her journey with this plague that began to infest her body she maintained such grace you could only learn from.

Her desire to live became so apparent when, struggling with the heaviness of edema in her legs, she would make a point to walk around the hospital floor so she could let her body know that it’s still alive.

It makes you think about the waste you, as a healthy, able-bodied person, allow for yourself.

We don’t seem to realize how good we have it until it’s too late.

Though not her. She knew just how good she had it and made a point to smile at the world, even when it didn’t ‘deserve’ to be smiled at.

The many years of plans and dreams we made together began to float into space. Never to be held again.

All the manifestations drifting away as I saw her body begin to weaken.

My closest friend, taken way too soon.

Leaving so much love and inspiration that it physically hurt not being able to say ‘thank you’ for shining bright in my life.

Without having the comfort of talking to my best friend, my mother, about all of the emotions that were circling around in me – and still are. It became unbearable.

I’ve gone through loss in the past. Losing people I loved deeply but never once had I felt such a collapse.

I never really dealt with my grief then. I hid it – allowing it to show itself behind closed doors.

But that never did me any good! With this last passing, it brought 18 years of grief to the surface.

I lost my balance – literally. My co-workers picked me up from the floor when I heard the news.

Feelings of being unbelievably lonely, abandoned, and left behind, surfaced and became so apparent in my self-talk. Hiding under the covers was the only place I felt comfort.

Any thoughts of inspiration or well-being were brushed to the side.

So much anger had fired up inside me that I was taken to the hospital one night!

Such great people, looking to do the world so much good and they’re taken?! And then there are those that create such harm in others and they stick around?? How is that logical! I was ready to speak my mind if anyone mentioned things like ‘everything happens for a reason’ or ‘there’s a higher purpose’. I could have bitten their heads off. Me? A yoga teacher!

As time passes, I find I give myself an added push to bring forward motivation and light-heartedness into my days. I was so thankful I took some time away from presenting myself to students so I can sit with these emotions and move through them.

Reintroducing myself into my routine now, I feel the desire to honour her and my most loving souls that have gone too soon.

It’s in their memory that I remember what it’s like to live. And why it’s so important to see things for what they are: lessons for our own library of inner peace.

A short moment of gratitude every day (or night) sets the tone for my mind; for that day.

I still crumble when there’s a milestone I wish to share or a memory I’d like to bring up in conversation, and that’s ok. I think of it and try let it go – it’s easier said than done but I do my best.

Eventually, anger will become acceptance. And a memory will become something I look forward to smile at.

This post is for anyone who is experiencing a loss of a loved one. I feel your pain. My heartfelt condolences to you.




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